Every Heartbeat

Written on June 28, 2009 at 2:51 pm, by admin

So, I’m feeling rather nostalgic today. Here are some lyrics from Amy Grant. I grew up on this stuff. Oh the memories.

Hear me speak what’s on my mind
Let me give this testimony
To reaffirm that you will find
That you are my one and only
No exception to this rule
I’m simple but I’m no fool
I’ve got a witness happy to say
Every hour, every day

Every heartbeat bears your name
Loud and clear they stake my claim
My red blood runs true blue
And every heartbeat belongs to you

Classic case of boy meets girl
Moving in the same direction
You’re not asking for the world
I’m not asking for perfection
Just a love that’s well designed
For passing the test of time
I’m here to tell you
I’m here to stay
Every hour, every day

Every heartbeat bears your name
Loud and clear they stake my claim
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you it’s true
Every heartbeat belongs to you

iloveyou

I’ve slept since then…

Written on June 26, 2009 at 5:52 pm, by admin

I know, I know. It’s been a while. I’m sorry. If you’ve been wondering, I’ve been blagging here because I have to for school. I have to keep a journal or whatever you want to call it. But per request, I’ve decided to post another blag entry on here just for kicks and giggles or whathaveyou. Today’s topic is a delicate one, and so I will try to handle it with care – we’re going to be talking about lust.

This is where you smack your face and scream and run for the hills.

But I’m a fan of talking about things – if nobody talked about things, nothing would get solved, right? So, logically, in order to solve this problem, we must talk about it. Seems simple enough to me. But how does one begin to talk about such a topic? What angle do I take? What should I say or not say? It beats me. I’m just gonna go for it.

Now would be a good time to leave if you’re uncomfortable.

I have good intentions. I never mean to do the wrong thing, but somehow I always find myself caught doing the very thing I hate. It’s so frustrating!. Sound familiar? Yeah, I just quoted you some Paul. But he couldn’t be more right! It’s so true! I have no problem sitting myself down and having a conversation with myself, telling me that I’m not going to fall for temptation again, but somehow my message to myself doesn’t sink in as much as I would like. My issue lies in several areas, which we’ll work through in a hierarchical fashion, and will celebrate with a nice bowl of ice cream afterward ’cause we’ll need it.

I’m human. Plan and simple. Through and through. It’s no mystery to me why I am the way I am. I was born with a brain and testosterone and an ability to convince myself of anything. What always amazes me is my ability to believe my own lies! When I find myself struggling with whether or not to fail in a specific area, I always know I’m lying, yet somehow, like a goldfish, seem to accept my own word as truth. You deserve this. It’s not gonna hurt anything or anyone – it’ll be fun! You need this. I rarely appreciate the image of an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other more than in this situation – oh the irony! It’s so true!

I’ve found that I am susceptible to failure more often when I’m tired, alone, stressed, angry, sad, and emotional. Heaven forbid I become all of those things at once. Blech. Anyways, I rarely have the desire for immoral items or actions when I’m on top of the word, when I’m happy or excited about something. I’ve learned that Satan knows when to hit me. When I’m down. I mean, after all, he is Satan – as if he’d have my interests at heart. (You can laugh… it’s supposed to be mildly funny).

Next on the hierarchy is my inability to heed the guidance and advice of others. My stubbornness gets in the way of me being able to rely on someone else for help. I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me, especially when I screw up. I often wonder who would still be my friend if they knew the inner happenings of my day-to-day. I’m so blessed to have the close friends that I have, who do know me or who I truly am, and somehow find room in their hearts for me.

Regardless, I realize that I need to avoid situations that put me in a bad spot, and to rely on my close friends for prayer and support – and last but certainly not least, to rely on God help. If anyone knows me, it’s Him, and He desires nothing more than for me to come back to Him.

I apologize for the “speed-blog” feel of this post – the truth is, I’m exhausted and can hardly focus on this screen anymore. Sheesh, and it’s only 6:50 p.m. Sigh.

Thanks for reading. Go help yourself to some ice cream. You know you want it. It’ll be good for you. You deserve it. Ha.

Keep the faith.

on letting go (and letting God)

Written on June 1, 2009 at 10:05 am, by admin

Greetings, reader(s)!

These last weeks have been a much needed brain-break for me – I had written over 7,000 words in three days here on the ol’ blag and needed to give myself a chance to catch up (and rest my fingers!).

I don’t expect today’s post to be very long, but you never know with me. Sometimes I get a real gem and have to write through it. If you’re anxiously awaiting for me to post, I must direct your attention to my practicum blog. This summer I’m working at Impact 2818, a conglomerate of camps in Northern Indiana. I was hired as their Executive Producer, an internship that focuses on providing pre-production and post-production needs for each of their four video staffs. And I have to train them. Ahh! Anyways, for the time being, I’ll be posting on that other blog – mainly because it’s a requirement for school… ha. If I find the time, I’ll post on here so stay tuned. Thanks for reading. Keep the faith.

Josh

Live Your Calling Blag [pt. 1]

Written on May 19, 2009 at 1:27 pm, by admin

We all have a calling. Regardless of who you are, what you weigh, where you live, or what you like – God has a plan and purpose for your life. As my dad always said when we were growing up, “Just trust and obey – there’s no other way.”

It’s ironic to me that I’ve heard that little rhyme for as long as I can remember, and only now is it sinking into my brain. My recent afflictions have given me a new outlook on life – a different spin on how I’m living. I was a mess before, but I’m on my way to recovering who I’m supposed to be. This short series of blogs will be reflections on my reading through parts of a book called (conveniently) “Live Your Calling” by Kevin and Kay Marie Brennfleck. I pray that my reflections will help you with any struggles you might have in these areas. So, without much further ado, here we go.

What we’ll be studying over the next few blags will be about “calling blockers” or things that get in our way and keep us from pursuing God whole-heartedly. These calling blockers can come in many shapes and sizes, like fear, money, busyness, childhood wounds, or the prospect of going at it alone. These are things that can be overcome. Beaten. Conquered. So today I’d like to look at the calling blocker known as money – we’ll see why it gets in my way and what I can do to overcome this from holding me back.

The Power of Money

I like expensive things. My dad says I’ve got champagne taste on a beer budget. How right he is. I have the tendency to be materialistic – to compare my success to how other people based on what I have or don’t have. It’s an issue I’ve been battling my whole life, and have only recently come to terms with it. Money has such power – it ca be used for good or evil. I sometimes forget that God isn’t against me being prosperous, He just wants me to not make it a god. I can only effectively serve God and others fully only after I have put money in its proper place in my mind and heart. I think sometimes I’m so worried about how much money I’m going to make in the future that I lose sight of God’s plan. I assume (another issue I struggle with) that God will not be able to provide for me and my family. First of all, how can I put God in a box like that? And secondly, I need to put my trust in His ability to give me what I need. Money becomes a calling blocker when it causes us to compromise God’s will. It can “dull our sensitivity to God’s voice.” I’m reminded of the famous Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus said, “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Straight from the mouth of God, He promises that He will take care of us! He knows what we need to survive, and He won’t let His people perish. But it takes such and act of faith to trust that! Especially for someone like me who has independent tendencies. The truth of the matter is, the more we begin to trust God with our financial risks, the more faithful He will be.

Calling Catalysts

The book suggests three strategies for developing a “Biblical perspective on money.”

Exercise an attitude of gratitude. This means we need to begin to actively thank God for what He’s already given us. By putting ourselves in this thankful mindset, we will be able to ask God to give us wisdom to distinguish between our needs and our wants. See 1 Timothy 6:6-8: “But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.” Contentment is the antidote for greed. Practice gratitude.

Practice Biblical stewardship of your money. Every dime we make belongs to God. Like in the parable of the talents, He entrusts it to us, watching how we handle it. Our ability to discern and live our calling is directly related to how we handle our money! One of the hardest things we can learn is how to give freely. Of course God doesn’t need our money. He invented it! But how we give serves as a testimony that God owns all things in our lives. The hardest and most substantial way we can do this is through tithing. This has always been difficult for me, because I don’t make a ton of money as it is, and I’d like to enjoy every cent I make. But by doing so, I’m closing my heart to giving back to God what He’s entrusted to me, and thus not letting Him have reign over my life. It’s all about control. “Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity” (Luke 6:38 The Message).

Develop a “kingdom vision” for your life. Put simply, a kingdom vision is anti-American Dream. It’s against desiring to have a lush life filled with all the trimmings. Instead, focus your life on what God wants. It’s a desire to ve a life that reflects what’s important to God. What do you spend your time & money doing? If someone were to look at your bank statement, would they be able to see God at work in your life? Our reward is not intended to be here on this ball of dirt – our reward is in heaven! Where are your treasures? Where is your heart?

Whew! Kind of intense, right? But at the same time, this is stuff we’ve been learning since we were wee little tykes. My only issue is that I was too stubborn and focused on myself to realize exectly what this meant for my life. But from here on out, I will pray for the discernment to see God’s will for my life and to remove money as something that it holding me back from wherever God wants me to go. I’m His vessel to the ends of the earth.

Thanks for reading. Keep the faith.

[How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?] Blag

Written on May 19, 2009 at 10:09 am, by admin

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.”

-Psalm 34:17-20

Today’s topic is one I’ve been dealing with for a while now. If God loves me so much, why would He put me through something like this? Why couldn’t He send some chapel speaker to teach me the same thing? Why do I have to experience this pain? And why hasn’t He delivered me yet?

Each of these questions can be justified in their own right, and if you’ve been reading along lately, you’ll be able to answer some of them already. The one I keep struggling with is why I haven’t been delivered yet. My frustrations and agony swell from deep within my soul, and sometimes they’re hard to resist. I’m constantly praying for peace and understanding, strength and wisdom, and discernment and power to handle this situation to the best of my abilities. And that’s the thing. Maybe that’s the key right there. I’m so worried about handling everything to the best of my abilities, that I’m not letting go and letting God work in my life. You see, I need to allow Him to show me His abilities and handle this situation, because otherwise the only thing I’m learning is that a heart can be broken and still ache for the one they love. 

In addition to letting go of the situation and letting God work, maybe I haven’t been delivered yet because He has something else to show me. Where is my patience? It’s a virtue, right? Why would I want to rush God? I’m learning that not only must I be patient, but also actively seeking God’s will – these two can be confusing. By actively seeking God’s will, I’m not being impatient (though it can seem that way). I know this because of my intentions for seeking His ultimate plan. By being impatient, I’m asking God to fix the situation how I want it fixed and when I want it fixed. But seeking His will for my life means letting go of whatever is driving me to be selfish and allowing Him to lead me where He wants me to go. I’m very independent. This is very hard for me. But it took more pain and heartache then I’ve ever experienced in order for me to see that I need to drop my inhibitions about whatever I want, and just follow. 

Peace Blag

Written on May 18, 2009 at 9:24 pm, by admin

“Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.”

-1 Peter 3:11

It’s been a rough week and a half. My emotions have gone haywire in so many aspects, I’m not exactly sure what I should be feeling at any given moment. But, as always, there is something to be learned. I’ve noticed that when I allow my heart to listen, I can see the bigger picture, and can learn to better accept a situation. I like to think I’m teachable. Someone has even told me that – some say it’s an admirable quality. But regardless, being teachable requires a willing heart and wisdom from God. Neither of these had I been pursuing recently. I am ashamed that I let myself get to the point of refusing to listen to God. It’s a bad place in which to be. I was worn down and broken. I was tired. I was a mess. Lost, confused, angry and cynical – and it lost me something very dear. I can only apologize for who I was so many times. I think Relient K says it well:

I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
’cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, I’ve been forgiven. And the change I’ve made in my life has rocked my world. I find myself thinking more clearly, being quicker to listen and slower to speak. I realize that my needs are not the most important (though sometimes I’d like them to be). The truth is, I’m changed. By God’s unending patience and love, I’ve made a change in my life and I will never go back. But, it doesn’t change the fact that I still hurt people and caused a chain reaction of doubts and mistrust to happen.

I was talking to a friend today, and explained to them the basic elements of my current complications. They listened intently and reminded me that everything will work out for good. I couldn’t deny it. It’s true. However things end up with all of this, I can rest assured that I’ll be following God’s will – which I’m learning is to be my main focus in life. The hardest part is, I think, following His will in certain situations. Because honestly, I don’t always want to. I’d rather wallow in my self-pity or my anger or frustration – and it’s not what we’re called to do as Christians! What the verse above says to me is this: by not seeking peace and pursuing it will all of your heart, you are more inclined to do evil, such as turning your heart towards hate and anger. In order to be more Christ-like, we need to deny ourselves of what we think we need at the moment (in my case constant worry and anguish). Instead, we need to ask God to fill us with peace and love – and you have no idea how hard this can be. In addition to keeping you from sin, God’s peace will also guard your heart. See Paul:

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 4:7

What he’s saying here, is that if we ask with a humble heart for God to send the Holy Spirit to us and fill us with peace, He will do so. And not only will we have peace, but a peace that exceeds all elements of comprehension. In other words, he will overwhelm us with peace. Only then can we truly learn to rely on Christ. His peace will protect us from further pain, and will help us develop into the men and women He intended us to be.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

-Romans 15:13

In addition to God’s peace, we are to seek joy. Hope abounds when peace and joy are present, and believe me – I need hope. I never knew I needed it so badly! By seeking the true face of God and by asking to be filled with His Spirit, I have learned to become more easily broken – but not broken in the sence of shattered. We need to be broken like God’s heart is broken. Whether it’s seeing someone you love in pain, or seeing the devastation happening overseas – we need to ask God to break our hearts as His is broken. Then, and only then, can we truly have joy, peace and eventually, hope. Keep the faith. Thanks for reading.

[...]

Written on May 18, 2009 at 8:13 pm, by admin

She has no problem with secrets
She knows how to keep them
She never felt the need to let them show
I’ve had no trouble with speaking
Or trusting my instincts
And maybe this is one that I should know

But as I’m waiting there
The devil on my shoulder stares
Laughing that the one thing I can’t get
Is what I need

She
She is the words that I can’t find
How can the only thing that’s killing me
Make me feel so alive?
And I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim like sinking ships
This time it’s it
I’ll drown or make her mine

My vocal chords have been fighting
My mouth likes to spite me
It never says the words that come to mind
I brought a stick to a gun fight
And I’m stuck with my tongue tied
I run but I can’t hide what’s always there is

She
She is the words that I can’t find
How can the only thing that’s killing me
Make me feel so alive?
And I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim like sinking ships
This time it’s it
I’ll drown or make her mine

[...]

Written on May 18, 2009 at 9:40 am, by admin

It’s not always the same
no it’s never the same
if you don’t feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we’d be perfect for each other
then we’d never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we’d never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

But I can’t spell it out for you,
no it’s never gonna be that simple
no I can’t spell it out for you.

————————————————————————————-

Waiting for your call, I’m sick, call I’m angry
call I’m desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It’s playing on repeat, just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What’s your fantasy?

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I’m tired of being all alone,
and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

(I know everything you wanted isn’t anything you have)

The Blag of a New-Found Calling

Written on May 18, 2009 at 9:31 am, by admin

And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.

-Mark 16:15

I’m kind of stubborn. Some might laugh at the “kind of” because they know better. But the truth of the matter is, I like to be comfortable. I like knowing what’s coming next. I like to plan. I like being able to see ahead so I can prepare. One of the hardest things about faith that I’m learning right now is that I can’t be comfortable with where I am. Faith requires action (see Romans Blag pt. 2) and quite honestly, I’m not always motivated to act. But today’s verse led me to a wonderful realization. I can be comfortable and still serve God with all that I am, all the while not know what’s coming around the bend! It’s a great thing. The secret? Being comfortable in who I am Christ.

God calls us to be His light to the world. In Acts 13 Paul writes, “For so the Lord has commanded us, saying, “‘I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.’” I used to look at missions as an obligation – something Christians were required to do, but didn’t really want to. The verse above from Mark seems pretty straight forward to me. It’s a command – we are not to just be comfortable in our lives, but to live out our calling. After reading what Paul wrote, I realized that not only are we commanded to reach the ends on the earth with the Word of God, but God made us lights – and He will equip us to carry out His will! How awesome is that?!

In addition to God molding us into the vessels He needs us to be, He’s also preparing a way for us to work. See Paul’s take on this:

“For a wide door for effective work has opened to me, and there are many adversaries.”

-1 Corinthians 16:9

To me, it seems the natural course of things. God calls us to do something, gives us plenty of opportunity and we come face to face with whatever is holding us back and we can’t make up our minds. Missed opportunity after missed opportunity. And for what? Pride? Comfort? Ease? I’ll tell you right now I’m not proud of how I’ve looked at missions. I’m not proud of my selfish desire to stay complacent and not pursue what God has planned for me. What was my issue? Why did I care? I was so worried about leaving my comfortable little box, that I wasn’t acting in faith! I am so ashamed! And the worst of it is, I still struggle with thoughts like this. My heart tells me how great of an opportunity something could be, but immediately my head begins to fill with thoughts of fear and self-doubt. So what do I do when this happens? I want to pursue what God has for me with all of my heart, soul and mind, but I need all three to be on the same page! This is where faith and prayer step in. Faith is trusting in something that you might be unsure of. And it’s not just believing its potential to be good – it’s giving up all doubt about it to God and realizing that you need to trust Him in order for it to happen. Prayer, on the other hand, is our requirement for faith. It is the action needed for God to work. Thoughts of doubt and fear are straight from the devil. He’s planting those thoughts in order to keep you from your mission.  Look at what James writes:

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

-James 4:7

Submit. That’s it. That’s faith. That’s taking the step towards God’s will. If we step out in faith and submit our lives to Christ, He can work in and through us how we’ve never imagined. All you need to do is be open to it. To pursue it. To pray about it. Pray that God will fill you with a passion for His people. Pray that He will give you the strength to follow His calling. This isn’t always easy to do, but a mendable heart is a broken heart, and who better to mend your heart than the Creator Himself.

Here’s what I’ve begun pray for my life. Maybe it’ll encourage you, too.

Father God, give me the strength to pursue Your will. Please give me a passion for Your people and opportunities to do Your work. Bind Satan and these thought of doubt, Lord, and give me peace of mind and courage to follow where You lead, even to the ends of the earth. Help me to submit all of my selfishness to You, and let me be open to whatever you have planned. Thank you, God, for equipping me with the talents You’ve given me and allowing me to use these gifts according to  your plan. I love you, God.

It’s nothing flashy. Nothing fancy. Just humbleness before the throne and an open heart to be shaped like clay by the Potter. It’s what I pray for you, too. Keep the faith.

[...]

Written on May 18, 2009 at 12:39 am, by admin

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You, it leads me to You

And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to You
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to You
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to You
And I move, and I move, and I move…

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