Finding My Place In This Blag

I had the opportunity lately to really reflect on my life, future and relationships. I didn’t really like what I saw, to be honest. A little of this, a lot of that, some of this, some of that – but not enough of something so crucial, so evident in everyday life, that I’m amazed that I’ve lasted this long. I have difficulty pursuing God. And you know what? I sometimes skip church and don’t feel guilty about it. Oh, and another thing. I don’t feel led to be a full-time missionary in another country. I know, right? *GASP!* What am I going to do with my life? Can God still use me, even if I don’t want my Facebook page riddled with pictures of me wearing a bandanna while hugging impossibly thin little children?

The Taylor “community” (emphasis sarcastic) is full of expectations to be in the mission field, and I feel like I’m somehow a bad Christian for not feeling like God is leading me there. Some submit that I just haven’t been praying hard enough about it. To be honest, I think that if God wanted me in the mission field, He would have given me a passion for it. I come from the school of thought where your entire life is your mission field. Every move you make, step you take and breath you breathe is part of your work as a missionary. The worst part about this isn’t the fact that I’m less confused about God’s will for my life – it’s the fact that I feel like I’m committing a cardinal sin by not having any remote desire to be a full time missionary overseas. Am I opposed to traveling and helping people and sharing the Gospel? Of course not, but why do I feel like I’m somehow less of a man of God because I’d like to live in a three-bedroom house in the U.S. and have a 9 – 5 job?

My point in the rant is not to rag on my alma mater. Taylor is a great school with a fantastic vision for their students. I do, however, have a problem with this “community” business they throw around. Never have I experienced such a grand dichotomy between what’s real and what’s seen. From the outside, Taylor is this quaint little school in the middle of nowhere with a fun president and a terrible football team. After living here for three years, I’ve come to realize that their perspective on the unity of the students is about as real as Gerard Butler’s American accent. True community, as described by our school, is the central unity and communication of its members, depending on one another and holding each other up and being accountable. I agree. Does it exist? In certain areas and after much searching, yes. Nine out of ten people are willing to ask, “How are you doing?” and follow it up with “I’ll be praying for you.” I’d be hard pressed to believe that a quarter of them actually follow through on their promise. I know I don’t always pray for the people I say I will. Maybe it’s just a comfort thing; like “God Bless You” or “Get Well Soon.” In the end, they’re just empty words unless you act upon them. A good friend buys soup and medicine for his sick friend. A good friend prays for those he cares about. I’d be lying if I said I was practicing good community. I’m 1/1800th of the problem we face on this campus. The truth is, in my reflecting on my life, I’ve realized this about myself. I’ve realized that I need to be intentional about my intentions. I need to follow through. Enough empty words and smoke. Enough well wishes and pointless actions. Let’s do something about this. I know I’m not alone.